I would just like to announce that LA is not the only place you can see famous people. Just last week I spotted Gwynneth Paltrow. Actually, it was my homegirl Barn Mittens' husband, Mr. Mittens, who spotted her, and I only saw her from afar, and it was at a Coldplay concert, but still. And yesterday we were reminiscing about the time a couple months ago when Ben Affleck came to the suburb Barn Mittens lives in to film some movie scenes, and we made a plan for what to do if we ran into him: I would kick him in the shins, and she would pull on his hair to see if it was fake. And then we'd run like blazes. Sadly, we never ran into him. But he was here. And I could give you many other examples, but I'm bored of this paragraph already. So shove it, LA! Chicago has celebrities too! Shut up! You don't know me!

That said, I am ditching Chicago for LA in like a month. I tell you what, if living there turns out to be like living in Nashville where I always heard about celebrity sightings and saw all the signed 8 x 10's on the wall at the post office ("Thanks for all your work! Love, Dolly Parton") but NEVER ONCE saw anyone famous going about their normal people's business, I will be pissed off. For instance, while I was living there, a friend of a friend stumbled onto Lucinda Williams' YARD SALE. Lucinda Williams, selling her old crock pot and exercise bike and games with a piece missing just like the rest of us. And, it turned out that she lived just a few streets up from me. But did I ever see her? Nope. Someone else I knew saw Ashley Judd and her husband picking up a pizza. Why does stuff like that never happen to me? I don't even like country music, and yet I would have paid someone for the chance to see Tanya Tucker pushing a cart full of Fanta and microwave popcorn through the aisles of Kroger. I couldn't pick Tanya Tucker out of a lineup, and I can't name a single one of her songs, but at least it would have been better than NO ONE. (. . . or would it?)

So, note to Los Angeles. I am picking up and moving two thousand miles to live within your smoggy limits. I know you crush the dreams of thousands of young people every day, but I'm not trying to be famous. I don't want that from you. All I want are a few choice celeb run-ins. I am not picky--I will take B-List. In fact, I prefer B-List. What makes for more interesting party conversation: "I saw Will Smith in front of Tower Records yesterday," or, "Last week I saw Judith Light walking to her car with a giant bag of dry-cleaning." Or even, "I saw Vicki from Small Wonder getting her Ford Focus washed!"

OK, well. Maybe a few A-listers would be nice. And if they could be having a yard sale, that would be awesome, Los Angeles. If I could happen upon Tony Danza selling his crap out of his garage, and he's got like a box of paperbacks for ten cents each, I will never ask you for anything again. I promise. Except a bag of money. But that is IT.

-- m