My sister Jessie is one funny girl. Don't believe me? Read for yourself, fool. (Taken from actual e-mails Jess has sent Mandy)

On Apathy:

"If my life were actually interesting, then I would be motivated to do things."

"Just say that your goals are to become rich and famous. Those are goals. ...And what's wrong with not having goals? Do you think that's why our family is like it is? Reeeaally unambitious? 'Cuz I don't gots goals."

On Boredom:

"Don't be so bored at your job. Just make up a pretend world in your head in which you live a wonderful life off of the royalties from a song your dad wrote (Rod Stewart, that is) and it's always spring time. It will keep you from going crazy, trust me."

"I just watched a tiny window spider chase a tiny bug all around the window ledge. It was the most exciting thing I've seen all day. The only reason I stopped watching is because that loser of a spider gave up. Loser."

On Midgets:

"Hey! I saw the best Maury Povich show the other day. It was about primordial dwarves. They are like mini midgets!!! It was absolutely enthralling. I almost called you to tell you it was on... then I didn't. These people were so unbelievably tiny--it was beyond belief."

"So just keep painting--it will all work out in the end. ...And if it doesn't, you can frame it and hang it on your wall and tell everyone that you bought it from a midget who painted it with his toes. And then they'll want one, and they'll be all the craze, and you'll get rich off of these crappy paintings, and that's how to start a midget racketeering business."

On Life in Parma:

"The van window is stuck almost all the way down today. And it's raining. Dad tried to fix it, but he can't. He did rig up a chunk of black tar paper to cover it up, though. So I had to drive it to work today, dodging rain storms, then stick the tar paper chunk in the door when I shut it. It looks like a piece of shit, really. "

Straight-up Philosophizin':

"We still don't have a phone. But we are getting cable. Purely for TLC. It's heroin for the soul."

"I will not take the train, the train is a bastard."

"Our family is like undiscovered gold, just waiting to be found so we can shine like the sun."

--m