Songs that get stuck in my head so thoroughly that they make me want to stab out my eardrums with chopsticks before dying abruptly.

These are songs that I avoid at all costs, and yet they have so saturated every form of media that I have been forced to learn their evil pop hooks and at least a few lyrics. There might be more insidious songs in existence, but these top my list because they are all fairly recent, and the chances are great that I will flip on MTV or the radio (or the bloody Grammy Awards) and accidentally be assaulted by one of them. Which for me means at least a day-long battle to reclaim the ability to think in peace.

1. Hot in Herre-- Nelly. This is an undeniably stupid song, but also undeniably catchy. You do not know hell until you've been stricken with insomnia, and "It's getting hot in here! (so hot!) So take off all your clothes!" is set on repeat in your head while you toss and turn and try to lure some other tune into your fevered brain, with no success. And it's not that you don't know anymore words, but that there aren't any more words to know. I have no doubt that this song was spawned by Satan.

2. Jenny From the Block-- Jennifer Lopez. I don't think I have to explain this one. I probably know the fewest words to this song than any on the list ("Used to have a little, now I have a lot. I'm still (I'm still) Jenny from the block. . ." and that's IT.), and yet somehow it has the power to torture me like no other. Also, this song is such a damn lie. It kind of reminds me of the part in Zoolander where Will Ferrell's character is brainwashing Ben Stiller, and Will pops up dressed like Buster Brown, all sausage curls and knickers, holding an all-day sucker and yelling, "I'm just a regular kid!" Do you know what I mean? If someone has to TELL you they're just regular or plain ol', then they probably really aren't. I'm just sayin'.

3. Dilemma-- Nelly with Kelly Rowland. Yes, Nelly has done it again. He and his little rat face have sort-of sang and rapped their way right into my head with this eloquent gem. When I first heard this song, I was perplexed. " . . . even when I'm with my boo. . ."? What is a boo? Is that what Nelly is covering up with the piece of tape? I asked my good friend Miss Thang what it meant. She informed me that boo just means boyfriend. Okay.

4. Oops, I Did It Again-- Britney Spears. This song has been so overplayed that I probably know most of the words, which is funny, because I don't think I've ever listened to it of my own volition. It's particularly heinous because they use it all the time on television, especially on MTV over a montage of some sort. I would say that Britney is on her way out and that the day will come when we won't have deal with that breathy squeal of a voice, but you know what? I'm not that innocent.

5. Complicated-- Avril Lavigne. The strings of one-syllable rhymes in the chorus will drive themselves right into your brain ("fall! crawl! take! get!"). But it's the spoken words at the beginning of the song that signal trouble from the get-go: "Uh-huh. . . life's like this. . ." What!?? You're 19 years old, Avril. You wear cut-off tube socks on your arms and too much eyeliner, and your put-upon brand of contrived pseudo-punkiness drives me crazy. Do not tell me how life is. You seem to have at least a modicum of electronically-unassisted talent, but you might want to get a new schtick. And for the love of God, do not put numbers in the place of letters in any more of your song titles.

--m