Driving home from work yesterday I ended up stuck at a traffic light behind a car sporting a single bumper sticker. I had to get really close to read it, and was so simultaneously amused and perplexed by what it said that I had to write it down immediately. It said: "I wonder how you'd drive if your car phone was . . . up your butt!" Oh, ha ha! Say wha-? What the hell does that even mean? First of all, car phone? Those don't even exist anymore, do they? Second, why the ellipses points? For emphasis? Added suspense? It makes no sense. I mean, I'll give them that people who talk on the phone while driving maybe don't drive that well, but . . . I use my phone while driving. Am I supposed to be chastened by this sticker? Is the owner of this car threatening to shove my "car" phone where the sun don't ever shine? It sounds like someone made a bumper sticker using a half-hearted insult from a drunken argument circa 1992. Let's imagine.

Bruce (drunken idiot #1): "Dude, you have the shittiest car. What the hell kind of sissy drives a Ford Fiesta?"

Denny (drunken idiot #2): "Shut up, man. It has an awesome sound system. And a car phone."

"Shut up about that stupid car phone. No one cares about the car phone when it's in a Fiesta."

"Yeah, well. You're just jealous, asshole."

"Oh, yeah, man? Well, I wonder how you'd drive if your car phone was . . ."

"If my car phone was what?"

"Up your butt!"

"I'm going to kick your ass, Bruce."

Martin (bumper sticker company owner sitting nearby, nursing his eighth Old Style and scribbling furiously on a napkin): "I'm going to make so much money off this."

Forever immortalized on the back of a black Camry, confusing and vaguely threatening all who drive behind. The kinds of things people will purchase and stick to the back of their car just never cease to amaze me. And it's the utterly pointless, stupid, and offensive bumper stickers of this world that make us all slow down and pay attention a little more, if only to sit up a bit straighter and wonder what kind of life a particular sticker's owner lives that would make him or her decide that they simply must tell car phone users what they think of them. And where they can stick their phones.

--m