So, last night Ty and I went to the 4th annual "Women Rock!" benefit concert for breast cancer awareness. I was excited about seeing a concert in the very hallowed venue that hosts the Oscars: the Kodak Theatre. We had amazing seats thanks to Ty's boss, who gave us the tickets: dead center, mezzanine, right above the sound board. I felt briefly guilty, having been comped into a benefit show and getting such stellar seats. But then I realized that just by showing up I was taking a stand against breast cancer, and my guilt turned to self-satisfied smugness.

I knew a few things about this concert before we went, but nothing at all prepared me for what was ahead. I knew that the theme was "Songs From the Movies," and I knew that Mandy Moore, Allison Krauss, Mya, Dolly Parton, and Kenny Loggins would be there. That's right, Dolly Parton AND Kenny Loggins. "This will be an interesting night," I thought to myself, and I was very right. So very right, in such an incredibly understated way.

The show was being taped by Lifetime for broadcast later in October, so they announced that they would be stopping and starting and doing things over since it would be edited later. The show's producer came out and told us to stand and applaud for the opening number . . . which turned out to be Mya, Anastacia, Mandy Moore, and Ann Wilson (from the band Heart ) singing a medley of songs from Saturday Night Fever. It actually sounded really good. They ended with "Stayin' Alive," which I took to be a big slap in the face of breast cancer. Take that! We're Stayin' Alive!

Mandy Moore was the host of the evening. She came out and gave a little speech about the event, then somehow managed to introduce herself, after which she walked over to the center mike and sang some song from "Phenomenon." She had to stop and start over because the piano mike wasn't working. I can't help it, I like that girl. Ever since that episode of "Punk'd" where she thought she was supposed to help decorate that guy's mobile home, and she was so sincere about it. Also we have the same name. Mandy's of the world, unite! She sang really well, too.

Next up, Alfre Woodard came out and introduced Bonnie Raitt. Nice surprise, didn't expect to see her there. She sang "Something to Talk About," then said that she couldn't believe she would be singing her next song with who she would be singing it with, and that she would have crawled there to be able to do it. And in walks Miss Dolly Parton and Allison Krauss. They all sang together on some song of Bonnie's that I don't know, and then Allison left and Dolly and Bonnie did a duet on "I Will Always Love You."

This is about the time that I thought, "Holy crap, we are witnessing music history." Bonnie messed up the song and said something about how she had been waiting her whole life to sing that song with Dolly. Bonnie Raitt, making her dreams come true! For me and yooooooouuuu.

Things get a little hazy here, but I think Jessica Alba (wha?) came out and introduced Mya, who sang "Stormy Weather." Mya is a skinny little thing. I would have preferred to hear "Ghetto Superstar" though. Kenny Loggins could have done the ODB and Pras parts, I'm sure of it.

Next, Lance Bass came out and inro'd Anastacia. He messed it up and had to do it again. Silly Lance! You never got to go into space.

I know Anastacia only as "the girl I didn't recognize in the Coke or Pepsi commercial set in a bowling alley with Cindy Lauper." She has a bit of an odd voice, but she can belt it out. Turns out she's a breast cancer survivor. Good job, Anastacia!

I think Lisa Renna came out and intro'd Debbie Reynolds. Or maybe it was Sarah Rue who did the introduction. Who cares, the point is it was frickin' Debbie Reynolds. She came out in a sparkly green little number, slit right up the thigh. She sang "Tammy," and then Mandy Moore came out and tried to get everyone to give a standing ovation for Debbie . . . which we did, begrudgingly, and Debbie, trying to get the young crowd to respond with a little more enthusiasm, said, "I'm Princess Leia's mom!" Ha! What a firecracker. Mandy said that they had to sing a song from "Singin' in the Rain," since Debbie was there. But there was a problem with Mandy's mike. I turned to Tyler and said I knew who was to blame for all the technical problems-- breast cancer! While they were fixing it, Debbie started dancing around. For some reasons, the band started playing "Billie Jean" (as in, "is not my lover") and Debbie danced around the stage, showing all kinds of leg. (Could I make this up?) When Mandy's mike starts working, she marvelled at Debbie's dancing abilities, saying, "I don't think I could do that!" On a sidenote, Cheri Oteri's impression of Debbie is so dead-on. That is one high-energy lady. Anyway, they sang a duet on "Good Mornin," which sounded really good, but I have to say I never thought I would see this particular pair of women singing together. This turned out to be only the first sign of what must be the impending apocalypse. On exiting the stage, Debbie hitched her skirt up and ran off. Showbiz!

Next, Sharon Osbourne came out, and she's just the cutest. She swore, off course, saying "I'm so fu$%ing happy to be alive!" Then she intro'd Anastacia, back to sing a new song she wrote about survival in a duet with Bebe Winans.

OK, Kenny Loggins. Can't remember who introduced him. He sang "I'm Alright,", "Danger Zone," and "Footloose." "I'm going to get this guy to do my wedding reception!" I thought. Then, wonderfully, unbelievably, Ann Wilson came out and they did a duet of "Almost Paradise."

Ah, the second sign of the apocalypse. I turned to Tyler and said, "Wow. Where else could we see this, except maybe the Jackson County Fair?" I have to admit, they sounded good.

Mandy Moore came out and introduced Celine Dion, who she said would be performing the Titanic song from her Vegas show. Bloody lie. We didn't get to see her at all, further proof that there is a God, if you needed it.

Next, Allison Krauss and Union Station came out to perform a song from "Tootsie." What a lovely voice Allison has. Afterwards she said that they'd been asked to contribute a song to a Dolly tribute album, and that they had tried to do something different with the song they chose, and they hoped Dolly liked it. And the song was. . . "9 to 5"! Yesssss! They slowed the song down and made it a little funky--Allison sounded fantastic on the first verse--and then out walks Dolly herself to sing the rest. Woo hoo! I saw Dolly Parton and Allison Krauss sing "9 to 5" together! Again with the music history!

After that Dolly came out by herself and sang some song I've never heard from her new album. When she was finished, she wasn't sure if she was supposed to go offstage or stay on, so she just stood there and said, "I'm just going to stand here until they jerk me off . . . " She paused, realized what she'd said, and quickly added, "The stage!" Sweet mercy. I was practically crying, I was laughing so hard.

Let me just make state that Dolly Parton is hilarious. She made little self-deprecating comments every time she was onstage. After she got done singing this time, a lone woman in the front row who'd been giving standing ovations to everyone all night stood up again, and Dolly drawled, "Well, aren't you just the sweetest thing. You just love everybody, don't you?" Another perfect Dolly moment occurred during the finale, when all the singers joined her onstage. They sang "Jolene," which is apparently a new song from Dolly's album, and an odd finale choice. Even odder was that Dolly brought out some unknown who'd apparently written the song, and the two of them sang the verses while the "What the hell are these people doing on the same stage" backup-choir (which, just to paint the picture, was made up of Mandy, Debbie, Allison, Bonnie, Ann, Kenny, Anastacia, and Mya) sang the chorus, which basically consists of, "Jolene! Jolene! Joleeeeeeeeennneee! Don't you steal my man! (or something like that)."

I didn't know where to look-- should I watch how out of place Debbie Reynolds seemed singing a country song? Should I focus on Kenny Loggins singing lines about stealing his man? Watch Mya look like she had no idea what she was doing with those people, singing that song? It was sheer poetry. After the song had gone on for quite a while, the verses were all done, and basically everyone just kept singing, "Jolene!!" over and over, Dolly finally says, "Who do I have to sue to get out of this song?" And everyone started laughing and abruptly stopped singing.

That. Was. Awesome. We walked out into the crowded lobby, a little stunned. "Wow. There's no way this night could be more surreal," I said as we made our way up to the VIP after-party, and then God proved me wrong once again, because who was walking right in front of us but Florence Henderson. No lie. She looked good, too.

We snagged some food but didn't stick around long . . . turns out there were a few hundred VIP's there, which made me feel a little less special, but on our way out we brushed past Ann Wilson.

You know what? Women, and Kenny Loggins, DO rock! So shut up, breast cancer.